In January, Healing Place - Swaziland is getting a new pastor. He's been picked out by Healing Place - America. I'm still sorting out how I feel about Americans sending a pastor they picked out to lead a Swazi church. I'm really not sure.
Anyway, he was here yesterday and preached. He preached on worry. Now worry is something that I've heard a number of sermons on, and they've been good ones. This one was no different. Worry needs to give way to trust in God.
Worry is something that has been a significant factor in my life. For a long time, I've worried about a number of different things ranging from how was I going to pay for college to what was I going to do about a job after college. Moving to Swaziland taught me a lot about worry as I was repeatedly reminded how little control of things I had. I believe God also used the wonderful Christian community back home to remind me that he can handle anything I've got going on. The actions of that community have replaced much of my worry with thanksgiving.
Lately though, I have done a bit more worrying. Although it seems ridiculous with 10 months left to go, I have been worrying about what is going to happen after Africa. I've been working on applications for law school and graduate schools, and I'll probably be applying for jobs in the future. So putting together application essays, considering letters of recommendation, and researching opportunities has become another thing for me to worry about.
But while that sermon was probably an important thing for me to be reminded of, I can't say I would be comfortable giving that sermon here. Swaziland is in a major crisis. The country's lawyers have been on strike for three months, since the Judiciary Service Commission (led by the Chief Justice) fired a judge whom many believed to be the best judge in Swaziland and the next Chief Justice. Today the Kombi drivers are rioting again, which is a major problem for many people. Finally, the government is broke. This means many government services are going unfunded.
So "don't worry" means one thing to me, but I think it probably means something different to Swazi teachers who haven't been paid in months. And when your salary is $40-50 per month, you don't have much of a cushion to fall back on. I think the message is just as true here as in the United States: God is in control of the future. But that means one thing when you can see God providing for your needs, and another thing entirely when it seems like God is just standing by watching.
[Warning: Theological reflections to follow. Not necessarily doctrinally sound or kosher. They do not represent the views or opinions of anyone else, and are constantly being revised in my own mind.]
I have been blessed beyond measure, and I cannot begin to express how grateful I am to be so well taken care of. But I think it's going to take some time for me to learn how to worship God fully in a situation like this. In Isaiah, God says, "I am the LORD, and there is no other. I form the light and create darkness, I bring prosperity and create disaster; I, the LORD, do all these things." In the past, I have often viewed this passage as a comfort. I was comfortable with a God who is in control, even if I did not understand his actions or how they could be good. At least, I was more comfortable with that than with a God who was not in control.
I think that's probably still a good way to look at it. But I was always looking at it in the abstract. I was looking at the passage from the "bring prosperity" side. It's different when I see things that don't fit with my idea of God. It's difficult to believe that a good God is in control when I see children who are malnourished and will have few opportunities in life. It's difficult to believe that a good God is in control when you watch HIV+ orphans running around playing.
So that's an ongoing struggle for me. I believe that it's something that God will teach me, and hopefully I'll be wiser when I get home than I was when I came here.
-Ben
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